


Cake

by I_am_a_Ruin



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Eating Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Nyotalia, Trigger Warnings, mentioned America (Hetalia: Axis Powers) - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-07
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-08-20 02:51:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8233525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_am_a_Ruin/pseuds/I_am_a_Ruin
Summary: There are things that married couples don't always know about each other. And sometimes these secrets can be hard to swallow.Trigger Warning: Bulimia/Anorexia and implied purging





	1. Clothes Keep Our Secrets

“Hey Maddie, what do yo- Birdie?” Julchen walked into their bedroom and instantly was worried. Maddie was shaking and looked very pale. 

“Just… g-g-gi…” Maddie took a deep breath, swallowing hard and tried again. “Give me a m-minute, okay?” 

“Are you okay, Birdie?” Julchen asked, going to sit on the bed and standing back up when she heard crinkling. “What is-”

Maddie’s eyes went wide when Julchen tried to lift the covers and she smacked Julchen’s hand away. “NO!”

“Mad-” Julchen said, extremely concerned now. 

Maddie covered her mouth and ran out of the room before Julchen could say anything. Julchen tried to follow her into the bathroom, but she had locked the door. “Madeline, honey, what’s wrong?” 

It sounded like Maddie was retching. Julchen did not understand, if Maddie was sick, why wouldn’t she let her wife help her?” 

Julchen looked back at their bed and went back to it, lifting up the covers. “ _ Mein Gott _ **.”** she whispered, her concern skyrocketing. There were easily sixty, seventy, maybe more, packets of raisins. Almost all of them were empty. There was also a tissue box and it looked like Madeline had been crying.

Julchen ran back to the bathroom and started banging on the door. “Madeline, let me in. Maddie  _ let me in! _ I swear I will break down this door!”

She heard the flush of the toilet and Maddie finally opened the door. The Canadian was trembling hard, pale and sweaty; her hair clung to her cheeks. “Y-yeah?”

“What is this?” Julchen asked holding up an empty packet. 

“I-I-” Maddie started bawling, wrapping her arms around herself and backing up and curling in on herself against the sink. 

“Birdie, Maddie,” Julchen shook her head, her own hand shaking. “You… what’re you doing? How could you do this to yourself?” 

Madeline cried harder, falling to the floor hard. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me. Pl-please…  _ Desole! Desole! De-Des-Desole.”  _

Julchen knelt down next to her, tears in her eyes. “Maddie, stop.” The woman did not seem to hear her and just kept giving her choked apologies. Julchen grabbed her face and forced her to look at her, using her other hand to entwine her fingers with Maddie’s. “Madeline, sh. I just... can you try to explain please?” Julchen pleaded, trying not cry herself.

Maddie’s hand was clammy but Julchen didn’t mind as Maddie seemed to need the contact. Maddie opened her mouth several times, trying to say something, but she could not seem to get the words out. Julchen had been with her long enough to recognize her love was verging on a panic attack. 

“Take a slow, deep breath, Birdie. Match your breathing to mine, okay.” Julchen took deliberate slow, calming breaths and Maddie began to do the same. “Tell me whenever you can manage it.” 

Maddie nodded, running her free hand through her hair and sighing. “O-okay. I just…” The girl pulled her hand out of Julchen’s grip and tugged on a pigtail before covering her eyes. “I just hate how I look. I’m so... I look like a dumb, fat five year old and…” Maddie started crying again. “You’re so drop dead gorgeous and I’m standing here feeling like an overgrown chubby little kid. I tried dieting but no-nothing works and Alfred just eats whatever he wants and he looks amazing and so I tried just no-not eating but… I caved a little and felt so badly after because eating like that will make it worse and so I just… tried to… to…” Maddie’s tried to continue explaining, but her words became incoherent because of how hard she was crying.

Julchen was horrified. She had known Madeline had a kind of low self-esteem regarding her body but she had never thought it was anywhere near that bad. “Take off your hoodie.”

Maddie blinked at her, trying to wipe away her tears. “What?”

“Take the damn hoodie  _ off, _ ” Julchen snapped, her frustration and concern making her lash out. The way Maddie flinched at her words hurt but she couldn’t make herself apologize. This was not a good situation. It required her to be a little mean if need be.

Maddie tugged the hoodie over her head and Julchen started crying then. Maddie was so terribly thin. How had she missed it? Madeline’s curves were one of her favorite features. The soft skin and the squish made her so happy. It wasn’t like the Canadian was overweight, and a few rolls were really cute. Her arms looks so frail now and she just looked so…  _ small _ . “Birdie… how could you hurt yourself like this? You’re so beautiful… you don’t have to do this to yourself. I looked at you every day and just felt so lucky to have such a lovely lady, curves and all…. How long has this been going on?”

“A few… a few months.” Maddie whispered, pulling her legs against her chest as though to hide from Julchen. 

“How many?”

“Six. Almost seven.” the words were barely there, hanging on a breath, but they had a cruel sting.

Julchen choked on a sob. “Birdie… no. No, you can’t keep doing this. I won’t lose you! We’re going to get you some help, okay? Please, do it for me, Birdie. I need you to take care of yourself. I love you so much and I’m here for you too, okay? Please let me help you.”

Maddie nodded. Julchen wrapped her arms around her, kissing her face, between her sentences and futile attempts to dry her tears. “I could never hate you, Birdie. I wish you had just…  _ talked _ to me. I love you. I love  _ you _ .”

Madeline hugged Julchen tightly around the waist, burying her face in Julchen’s chest. There was a muffled apology and Julchen kissed her head, stroking her hair. “Everything is going to be okay. I’m here for you, Birdie.”


	2. Hidden in Frosting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress, however small, is progress.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Bulimia and self-harm

“Maddie, please get off the treadmill.” 

“Just a little toast, come on sweetheart.” 

“You can’t go running in the rain, Birdie.” 

“Madeline, take your pills.  _ Please _ .”

“Please talk to me.”

“Maddie.”

All of it swirled in her head as she fought the urge to binge while Julchen was at work. It pulsed in her blood when her wife worked with her on going off her diet. And she rid herself of it as she gave into the urge to purge herself. And then it began again. It turned from feeling disgusting and like a fat, ugly wreck to feeling like a failure and disappointment. 

She began taking it out on her body. Digging her nails into her forearms when the anxiety of eating anymore of the too-sugary cereal overcame her. Slicing at her thighs when she gave in and ate until she threw up. Praying that Julchen would not notice the scars and red abrasions as they slept. 

Months passed and Julchen began to think Madeline was finally getting better. So she pretended she was. She pretended that she was getting stabilized. She ate the food Julchen begged her to until she stopped thinking she needed to beg and sipped at water to keep it down as long as she could. She pretended there was not band-aids covering half of her thigh and little crescent moons and pink, swollen scratch parks on the underside of her arms hidden by her long sleeved apparel.

However, that led to the catalyst. 

Madeline had spent the entire day preparing the house for her wife’s birthday. She had decorated and hidden presents and made her favorite foods even as her stomach turned at the smell. She had baked a singular cupcake for her too and the overwhelming sugary aroma made her gag for several seconds but she kept her lunch down.

Julchen came home with a cake.

“Happy Birthday,  _ ma cherie! _ ” Maddie cried, running to the door as her wife entered, tackling her in a hug.

Julchen laughed but did not hug her back. The Canadian pulled away, confused. Julchen brought her arms out from behind her back, presenting a small vanilla cake. “Surprise!”

Maddie’s blood froze at the sight. “Julchen?” she asked, scared, looking up at her.

“Just a tiny piece for me, okay? I’ll even scrape off the icing for you.” Julchen pleaded, kissing her wife’s forehead.

All throughout dinner, Maddie found her nails buried in her arm as she tried to make casual conversation. No amount of delaying could prevent the dessert from coming. “I made you a cupcake.” Maddie stalled, presenting the small treat already glowing with a birthday candle, wax slowing dripping down.

Julchen made a wish and ate it with a smile. “You’re such a good cook. I’m so glad you inherited Marianne’s talents and not Alice’s.”

Maddie shrugged, praying that Julchen had forgotten her cake. They retreated to their bedroom and slowly stripped down, lazily kissing. Madeline turned the hot water on, hyper aware of Julchen’s hands on her back. Her brain was obsessing over the fat rolls Julchen could inevitably feel and the scars and scabs that Julchen would find. 

The shower was short and Julchen was distracted enough to not notice anything unusual. And then she was led back to the kitchen. Her hands shook as Julchen cut a small piece out for her. Her brain was already trying to calculate the sheer amount of carbs and calories and sugar she would be poisoning her body with. 

“Julchen…”

“I believe in you. You don’t even have to eat all of it. Just a few bites. Please. You’ve been making so much progress. You can do this.” 

She stared at the white dessert, little clumps of pure sugary icing still clinging to the edges. She could not breathe for panic. An image of herself all plump and childish and Julchen unable to even look at her anymore flashed before her. She swallowed and tried to take a breath. Julchen set her hand on top of Maddie’s, thumb stroking lovingly over her wife’s hand. 

Madeline stared at the cake with a dizzy feeling and an intense ringing in her ears. Unable to stand it another second longer, she shoved the plate away and ran from the room crying as she heard the glass shatter.

She collapsed in the hallway, losing the energy to even make it to her bedroom. She felt so worthless and irreparable. Her sobs increased in volume, releasing all the pent up disgust and hatred and brokenness she felt. A gentle hand touched her shoulder and pulled her up. Madeline stared at her gorgeous wife, image blurred by tears, and choked out “so so sorry, Julchen. I…. I  _ can’t _ .”

The Prussian hushed her and drew her close. “I’m the one who should be sorry. It’s okay. I shouldn’t have rushed you. You’re going to be just fine, okay, Birdie? We’ll find someone that can help us. I promise.” 

She cried herself to sleep in that hallway, held gently against her wife’s chest. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've been writing so much angst, omg. I will get you guys some fluff this weekend, I promise.


End file.
